Kelly Crigger

The Belt Lift

Sometimes hazing is both fun and educational. Find out what happens when a new Lieutenant gets overzealous about supporting the cause.

Finding the Funny

It’s easy to see the bad in the world. It’s easy to profile a middle-eastern teen and overlook the well-to-do white kid with a gun in his backpack or see an overweight mother of four in line for food stamps instead of the caring woman who tutors those same kids until midnight after volunteering at her church. When you’ve been to the mountaintop it’s hard to see the beauty of the valley below, so sometimes you have to find the funny in life.

Disco Night

What happens when a bunch of drunk Army Captains dresses up for Disco Night and runs into an NFL legend? Awesomeness.

A Sense of Entitlement

I used to make fun of the Occupy Wall Street kids who squatted on public parks and made unreasonable and oftentimes laughable demands for the world to take care of them like they needed an extra large teet to suckle off of. But then I started getting the same attitude from a career military veteran with an overblown sense of self-worth.

A Fight We Will Never Win

There are some people you can train, teach, and give books to but all they’ll do is eat the covers. No matter how much you want to convince people that what the military does is a virtuous and honorable thing, there are some who will still hate you for it.

Wanting the Enemy to Win

I was supposed to do what every good person does-run to the chapel and beg something more powerful than me to stop my father’s passing. But I didn’t. Instead I wanted him to go and even told him it was okay, which made me feel like an unmitigated asshole. We’re not supposed to ask for death or tell someone to quit. We’re not supposed to wish someone to take their last breath, but I did anyway because I knew the alternative was…this.

Killer Comic

Comedian and Marine Rob Riggle sits down for an interview. The one thing I took away from it – never make fun of this guy.

Shut Up and Get Down with Lieutenant Dan

Gary Sinise is one of the great patriots of this country.

Three Drinks with Don Wildman

I had the extreme pleasure of sitting down with urban explorer Don Wildman who hosts Off Limits and Mysteries at the Museum on Travel Channel. If Amelia Earhart and Indiana Jones had a love child, it would be him.

Fighting in Rugby

Getting into a fight on the rugby pitch only means you have no self-control and don’t know the true meaning of the game.

Do You Really Want US to Play?

The rugby world should think hard about the impact a fully committed USA would have on the game.

Is it Time to Buy a Rugby Club?

When you compare rugby in America today to the NFL’s history, it’s about the same time that wealthy families started buying up football teams. How long before people catch on and do the same to rugby?

Wanting to Get Into the Fight

When you join the Army there’s an expectation that someday you will fight and win the nation’s wars. So what do you do when you never get called into action while your friends get deployed over and over again, some never to return? I wrote about struggling with that feeling in the New York Times.


“I don’t want to work in a cubicle,” you tell the world as you get ready to retire from the service. “When I retire I’m going to be my own boss. Not gonna work for anyone.” Pump the brakes, kid. Let’s think about this.

The Fire Within

My kid’s soccer team sucks. But that’s not the focus of this story. The focus is the anger that builds up inside me when they’re getting creamed beyond the point of recovery and how I deal with it.


You keep saying “Someday I’m gonna…” But do you ever do it? Does someday ever come? Do you ever do the things in your someday? To me someday is a small town on the horizon that you can’t reach because your car runs out of gas and you complain like everyone else that it’s ‘just my luck.’

The French Ice Dancing Team

Sometimes you just want a do-over. Like when the words, “Don’t change the channel. The French ice-dancing team is coming on.” Yeah.

A Friendly Face in the Wrong Place

The Army is the biggest fraternity in the world. Everywhere you go, you see someone you knew or someone who has a mutual friend. What sucks is when you run into an old buddy in a hospital.

It Only Takes a Minute

When Hollywood haphazardly throws a uniform on some actor that’s totally jacked up, it not only makes him look like a total douchebag, but disrespects the Armed Forces everywhere. It only takes a minute to do a little research and get it right.

The Most Terrifying Jump Ever

Anyone who’s been stationed in Korea knows how tight it is, especially for airborne operations. There’s no land for giant drop zones like we have at Fort Bragg, so to compensate they jump out of hot air balloons attached to a giant steel cable and a winch that doesn’t require much space. It looks a little like a circus ride, but only if you’re accustomed to circus rides in hell.

Leap of Faith

Leaving a comfy corporate job to start your own business is rife with black holes of failure and dubious snake oil salesmen who will bilk you out of your hard earned venture capital in a Hollywood minute. Entrepreneurship is also a grinding 24-7 lifestyle that is not for the feint of heart or those not fully committed and passionate about their product. I wrote this article for Vetrepreneur magazine to provide veterans starting their own business with some much-needed advice.

Dear Beer

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when it’s a 25-year relationship with cereal malt beverage, but beer…you’ve been served. Here’s my humorous look back at a quarter century of drinking.

Fireworks and Paperboys

Been out drinking all night and don’t feel like going home? Well all you need is a duffel bag full of fireworks and a neighborhood to keep the shenanigans rolling.

The Usual Suspects

Some people just attract attention and therefore trouble. Does a military haircut and sculpted physique mean troops are always the first to be blamed when bad shit happens?

The Real Expendables

Fact is stranger than fiction and a whole lot more badass. Printed in Muscle and Fitness magazine, September, 2010

The Crop Duster

Some people have no sense of humor when it comes to farting in the office. This bizarre email chain proves it.

The Angry Hobbit

It was 0300. I was somewhat intoxicated, tired, and hungry. I wanted nothing more than to head to the lobby of my hotel and get something to eat before the sun came up. Suddenly an angry little man starts a fight with six of us in an elevator. There goes the perfect plan.

New Uniform, Same Challenges

Just because a soldier leaves active duty…doesn’t mean the challenges end. Printed in Military Spouse magazine, May 2010

Nothing to Bitch About

I like to rant and rave about the way things should be. It comes with age. But sometimes even I can’t find anything to bitch about…okay, yes I can. Everyone needs a healthy dose of perspective.

Why Did You Join?

It’s a simple question, but everyone has a different reason for joining the military. I joined for the hot chicks, huge paychecks, and stable job. I was a little disappointed.

Bonfire of the Vanities

Some celebrities think their shit doesn’t stink. It does and it’s time one of them got flushed.

We’re All Steak

Ever been stopped at an airport security checkpoint and grilled while a vicious dog drools over your meaty thigh? I have and it was all my mom’s fault.

I’m Not A Country Boy

Some people are born with that outdoorsy, Bigfoot-hunting gene. Some of us aren’t. I think the world needs a balance of both, but I sure do get tired of being in one category and made to feel guilty because I’m not in the other.

The Two Martini Lunch

Do you wish you could throw back a couple of cocktails at lunch. That was nothing for our father’s generation (who also chain smoked while watching Wide World of Sports), so why does everyone get so uptight these days about having a little nip in the middle of the workday? Leave it to Ranger Up to bring it back.

When a Lion Dies

Americans worship entertainers and athletes. We weep when they die and have massive memorials and fundraisers for the grieving families. But what about our national heroes like Colonel Robert Howard? Do we show them the same respect?
This article was reprinted by The Veterans Post News here (page 2).

I Drink For A Reason

Most of us enjoy a nip now and then, but do we all know why? I do. Here are my reasons for imbibing.

Let’s Get Drunk

Is there any better advice for any situation ever? No matter what your emotional state, it always seems to work. Here are my top fifteen reasons to use it.


Does a uniform define who some of us are? Would we act differently if we didn’t wear it knowing that we represent something bigger than ourselves? Besides porking out, what happens when we take it off for the last time?

What Was That?

Here’s a funny story about what happened to me when I was invited on a ghost hunt…in a lunatic asylum…on Halloween.

The Mouth of a Soldier

Cursing is a Soldier’s craft and using it as a part of effective communication is an art form that’s been a staple of every barracks since Armies first formed. Keep the kids away from this one.

Thank You

People thank me for my service all the time. While I appreciate it, my father’s generation was never afforded the same adulation. Time to give a little back to them.

Fuck Tim Kennedy

Tim Kennedy’s sculpted physique earned him a spot in 300 as one of the Spartan extras and he regularly scoffs at us average Joe’s with his impossible “Workout of the Week” that he posts on The Rhino Den. Here’s my revenge. Touche mon frere!

The Next Platoon

It took twelve years after the fall of Saigon before Hollywood finally paid attention to Vietnam. So how long will Iraq and Afghanistan vets have to wait for real cinematic attention?

You’re Just Fooling Yourself

Think you’ll be able to drink Appletini’s all night and run ten miles the next morning until you’re old and gray? Guess again.

Confessions of a Juvenile Misogynist

My lengthy response to a woman who called me lots of bad names. Think boobs!


Where do you relieve the unrelenting pressure of gas buildup? Don’t judge. Just laugh.

Finding Hunter

At a Las Vegas party, a guy named Hunter confessed he wanted to join the Army and asked why I did it. Here’s what I had to tell him.

The Curmudgeon

I finally came to terms with my crotchety, old self. Getting old sucks.

The Rules of Leadership

The guys at Ranger Up have their leadership secrets. Here’s mine.

Douche of the Week

The Youth Baseball League of New Haven, Connecticut are a bunch of whiners.

By the Troops, For the Troops

Meet Ranger Up.

The Dumbass Series

  1. The Most Terrifying Jump Ever
  2. The Airborne Porta Potty
  3. The Trip Flare Incident
  4. The Most Dangerous Range Ever
  5. The Hoffman Device
  6. Blackout Drive
  7. Arachnaphobia
  8. Protect The Package

The How to Series

  1. How to Defeat a Crackhead
  2. How to Defeat Captain Kirk
  3. How to Defeat Jean Claude Van Damme
  4. How to Defeat Chuck Norris
  5. How to Defeat A Terrorist Hijacker